One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)

Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.

Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.

Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.

Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)

Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.

Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.

Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.

Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.

Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Love, Dad.
Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love” (via wetforest)

(Source: slambien)

568,784 notes

sherrocked:

My dad just yelled “I SWEAR I’LL CUT OFF WHAT’S LEFT OF YOUR DICK IF YOU FUCKING TOUCH MY COKE DON’T YOU DARE” and I came in the room like what the fuck and it was my dad holding up a shoe and my cat sitting by a glass of coca-cola with his paw almost touching inside of it and both of them didn’t even break eye contact with each other

(Source: amovible)

238,040 notes

teamfreekickass:

carry-on-my-wayward-butt:

onceuponabutt:

I’m sorry but this is classist bullshit. Sometimes I can’t afford to buy chicken and peas and rice for a dinner so I have to go to McDonalds and get a 3 dollar burger. So sorry I don’t live where there’s cheap good food, and I have to choose the burger over super expensive chicken from walmart.

Plus who are you to judge someone’s eating choices

not to mention that almost NONE of these prices are completely accurate, and different walmarts charge different prices for the same item in different areas. ESPECIALLY ‘healthy’ foods located in areas that are considered food deserts. i s2g one of these days i’m just gonna spend an hour walking around walmart taking pictures of all the prices for these items just to prove how fucked up and wrong this is.

WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU SHOPPING THAT PRICES ARE THAT LOW??? IS THIS HEAVEN???? SIGN ME UP

103,735 notes

Teach me your ways avatar

(Source: nerdinessboundaries)

145,080 notes

penutbutterqueen:

beautifulblacksheep:

williams-sonoma:

Skip the drive-through and get lucky.

DIY: Lucky Mint Milkshake

I am so glad this is mint, I thought they were making a collard green milkshake and I was so upset

^

I kid you not I thought the same because my grandmother did that….except not mint.

70,602 notes

La Dispute-Stay Happy There Lyrics

(Source: youtube.com)

doctorwho:

heyimkiara:

30 Days of Doctor Who

Day 25: What’s your favorite Doctor Who art?

It’s not just art but I chose an artist. I am in love with alicexzThe first art I’ve seen from her is the Eleventh Doctor (second last) and just continued from there! She does other things besides Doctor Who like Sherlock, Harry Potter, Game of Thrones, and even more! 

What’s your favorite Doctor Who art? Make sure to give the artist credit if it’s not yours!

12,194 notes